The Stocking Were Hanging...by a Thread

Perhaps you have noticed that socks seem to have changed a bit over the years. They were once one of the standard Christmas gifts (along with new underwear) that parents gave to their children. Even today you may find them hung by the chimney with care, but socks just don’t seem to be what they once were. In days of old, you could make puppets, golf-club covers, boxing gloves (long story there and it involves some blood!) and even regular gloves to keep your hands warm while making a snowman. Some socks were even movie stars; remember Lamb Chop?

Socks used to be a multifaceted item. Socks could turn a teenager’s room into a “HazMat” zone. Mothers had to enter wearing a full radiation suit, complete with air supply, gloves, and metal tongs. Socks could be tied in knots and used as a ball or as a weapon. Socks, still on the feet, could be used to clean up spills on the floor, or to shine a pair of dress shoes before they were slipped on.

Today, just try and find a regular pair of socks. You can find socks with all five toes, socks of multi-colors and patterns, and socks as long as your leg or as short as your ankle. Socks have become a fashion accessory instead of a simple means to keep your shoes from giving you blisters. Should you look for socks in a sporting goods store, it would seem that the socks nowadays are for fashion wear instead of work. Buy a pair of hiking socks today and you will find they were designed for hiking from your car to your apartment, not for traversing through the woods.

As a forester, I consider myself an abuser of socks. I wear heavy boots, and I daily walk through mud, briars, water, briars, grass, briars, smoldering ash, and briars. My socks at the end of the day are as tired as I am. But as a forester, I have one simple demand of my socks: they have to stay up. Hanging limp around my ankles is not an option.

WANTED: SOCKS—Must be tough, able to withstand rigorous use daily, and not fall.

Stores are all about branding their gear for the serious outdoorsman. I am sure it is because research shows it appeals to some “longing” we have to explore the world, to cross the mountain, or paddle down a river. The great journeys of Lewis and Clark, Christopher Columbus, or Mr. Frodo, all speak of testing our mettle against nature; and we prefer to have something covering that mettle. I can hear the above explorers lamenting as their socks wore out:

Clark: “I say Meriwether, (that was Lewis’ first name…really…look it up!) we must halt beside this river as I tend to my sock darning. I have a hole in my heel now thanks to these cursed mountains!”

Columbus: “Cabin boy, drop that mainsail and cut out yet another sock pattern. By the stars in Orion’s belt if I wanted to walk barefooted across the bounding main, I would have stayed on the beach with those natives!”

Mr. Frodo: “Samwise Gamgee, get that big hairy foot back into a sock; if I have to look at it one more time, I will use this ring!”